i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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