got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
