he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
