We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
