you traded sex for a burrito?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
