True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
