On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
