I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
