She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
found the other keg... it's in the tree
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
