I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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