So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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