im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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