Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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