so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
