i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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