it's too hot outside to masturbate.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
