whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
