i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
