i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Two words: nipple clamps
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