just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
