Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
