I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
