My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
