Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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