I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
