I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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