I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
