I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
