He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
