I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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