Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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