I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
