When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
