I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
