meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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