So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
