I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
