I think my fart just growled at me.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
