The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Randomize
