The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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