everyone is single if you try hard enough
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
