Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Can I color on your dick again?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
