is your mom at the bar?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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