so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
