but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
