Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
