i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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