he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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