Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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