do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
