My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
