I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
