you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
